Lea Dawn | Anxious Attachment + Relationship Coach | Logo

Not all monogamy is insecure, and not all polyamory is secure.

It’s the world’s worst-kept secret that unconscious and compulsory monogamy is built upon a foundation of insecurity and scarcity.

But one of the biggest misconceptions in the polyamory space is that it, and the people practicing it, are by default more secure than monogamy.

Even in the poly world, there is a vortex of chaos caused by the movements people are making in trying to love more than one person at a time.

Just because you are comfortable sharing yourself with more than one person, and maybe are comfortable sharing your partner with someone else, doesn’t actually signify security.

Especially when that looks like acting like a single person while in a relationship (unless all parties specifically want that, which most don’t.) This is not necessarily security – this could actually be attachment avoidance.

Avoidance in Secure Clothing

Many don’t realize that people on the avoidant side of the attachment spectrum fare better on the surface in polyamory, but that they are farther from secure than the anxiously attached.

True security doesn’t just mean not feeling jealous or anxious; it’s showing up to meet our partners in kindness and care when they are feeling jealous and anxious over us.

Security is recognizing that our actions have consequences for the humans we love, and their inadequacy and scarcity shadows may not be the only ones showing up.

Here’s the thing: relationshipping consciously means tapping into awareness of why you are choosing the style of love you want to practice and how you are practicing it.

The Questions to Ask About Polyamory Insecurity

On the surface, freedom, adventure, and novelty while also enjoying stability and regularity is a highly appealing combo.

But we need to ask ourselves the questions below:

  • What’s fueling my constant drive for freedom?
  • What’s underneath my need to have multiple people devoted to me?
  • Why do I still feel alone even when I already have a partner?

If those questions resonate, there’s inner work to be done.

When we allow trauma and unresolved attachment wounds to fuel our open relating movements, it is the people we relate with who end up drowning in our wake.

Consciously Choosing Monogamy or Polyamory

Consciously choosing monogamy looks like, “Hey, I’m doing inner work, and I know I have some ideals and beliefs programmed in. I know what other styles are out there, and, I’m choosing to focus to support our life in the most practical and productive way today.”

Consciously choosing polyamory looks like, “Hey, I’m doing inner work, and my compass shows me that this is the way of life where I will thrive. But I’m learning that I can’t behave the same way I did when I was single because my partners matter, and I want to create and sustain good love for all, not just be in it for me.”

Notice the common thread in both (*cough inner work).

So are we strong enough to ask ourselves the deeper questions:

  • Why do I desire this?
  • Do I like what is fueling that desire?
  • Is how I’m doing it in the highest service to myself, others, or both?
  • Am I doing the work to explore it?

Lea Dawn is an Anxious Attachment Style + Relationship Coach who specializes in helping the “poly-anxious” navigate CNM and open relationships. Get in touch about her coaching and speaking services here.

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